You Can Break Everything I am, Like I'm Made of Glass

I don't really know who I am or why some things upset me. I'm not even sure if things really do upset me, or if I just have nothing else to think about. But I really do feel fragile lately. The smallest things can make me want to burst into tears. The smallest comment can make me wonder if I'm worth it. I'm not trying to get pity, or wanting everyone to tell me how wonderful I really am. All I'm trying to put out there is that life is hard enough without having to deal with rude people. It makes it really hard to go on with everyday life when you're constantly being hit with the negligent actions of others. Careless words and hurtful remarks. It's like my happiness depends on how other's treat me. I feel like every time I have a good day, the next day is doubly bad. It's like my bad luck piles up until it drops on me all at once. I can't have a good day without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm really so over letting other's affect me. But I don't know how to not let it get to me. I know that I need to have control over my own life, I just can't when I'm so insecure. That's why I'm so crazy all the time. I just pretend I'm okay with getting teased all the time, getting hurt. When really I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't like to tell others that because I don't want them to know that they have that kind of power over me. Again, not looking for pity, just sayin'. I try to be a good person and be nice to everyone. You know, you never know when your smile will brighten someones day, and all that? Reach out to others to help, you never know when they're going through a hard time. It's just hard to be nice and reach out, when other's don't return the favor. When no one reaches out to you. Moral of the story: Life throws nasty curve balls, and it sucks. And, honestly, I don't really like it. 

Mayday Parade!!!

I know I'm probably one of the moodiest people ever, but honestly... I'm the happiest girl in the world right now! Mayday Parade is my all time favorite band and I just got back from their show!!! :) :) :) Can you see the excitement?! First, I almost died because I was feeling claustrophobic. Weird, beings I thought I got over that phobia of mine. Then, I wanted to punch someone because some people are really dumb and don't know show/mosh rules. (and yes there ARE rules). Then finally, Mayday came on and made my day amazing with their beautiful music :) And now I'm so beyond happy it's ridiculous! They had the most brilliant set EVER! Gah! I just want to scream at how happy I am!!! At this moment it sounds like I'm under water and my ears are ringing slightly, I'm a tig bit dizzy, my calf muscles are shaking from standing on my toes, and I probably won't have a voice tomorrow. But I'll tell you this... It was worth it. A million times over! :)

P.S. Jordyn is the BEST :)  

You Don't Know You're Beautiful

I'm sorry that I'm not blonde. I'm sorry that I don't weigh 90 pounds. I'm sorry that you can't see my rib bones. And I'm sorry that I don't have blue or green eyes... 

I have brown hair and brown eyes. I'm of average height and I don't really think that I can pull off a bikini. And the one thing I can honestly say I like about myself is my darker skin tone. 

To some people that's not ideal. That's not beautiful, not perfect. To some people that's ugly. That's your

opinion.

 I may not stop traffic, turn heads, or cause jaws to drop. But I think everyone is beautiful in their own way.

So if to you I'm ugly, So? In someone else's opinion I'm gorgeous. 

Giving Up- Letting Go

You know what I've learned?? You can't please everyone. You can't even please half of the people you know. And you just have to deal with that. Sure , it sucks. But I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not- someone that you might like more. Someone that knows how to "play the game". Pretending to be someone that doesn't care, when I really do. I'm not. I don't have enough experience with this kind of thing. I can't hide my feelings and emotions so easy. I want to regret everything, but I know I shouldn't. I'm learning. I know that, even though knowing that doesn't make this any easier. I just hate feeling stupid. And I'm done with it.

I did know. And that just makes me feel even worse... 

Happy Love Day

"All these days have turned these months into a year..."
And now i'm not sure what I want anymore... Or how I feel.

I going to be honest. I have no idea what love is. I don't think I ever have. I doubt I ever will...
I have family. I have friends. One day I'll have a puppy. That's my love.

But I did have a good Valentine's Day :)

I don't know when, if, or with who I'll fall in love someday. But I'm okay with that.
Like I said. Friends, family, and a puppy and I'll be happy :)

S.A.V.E

So my colorguard show this winter is about helping people. Suicide Awareness Voices of Education. It's about reaching out to others who are going through a hard time. It's about recognizing the signs of depression. About knowing there's hope, and life can be tough, but it's really a beautiful thing. About knowing what you can do to help loved ones know that it gets better.

For more information, visit save.org

I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect...

"Did you know you used to be my hero?

All the days you spent with me,

now seem so far away,

 and it feels like you don't care anymore.

And now I try hard to make it,

I just want to make you proud.

I'm never gonna be good enough for you.

I can't stand another fight.

And nothing's all right...

...Please don't turn your back.

I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you,

but you don't understand."

Remember when Simple Plan was the coolest... In like the 6th grade?! Haha I do! :)

Dancing is like Dreaming with Your Feet

One of the things I want the most... Is to learn Pointe; and to learn it good :)

"There are short cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them."

-Vicki Baum

I Want You To Want Me

Dear Boy,

For me, it might be not enough to just say "you choose where this thing is going." I need to know that you want to be with me. I don't want or need a sure-why-not? attitude. Really, the only thing I want is for you to fight for me. When I'm upset or angry at you, I want you to look me in the eyes and say, "I know you're mad, but I'm not giving up. I want to be with you, and I'm going to do my best to make you want to be with me." I don't want you to just watch me walk away if it comes to that. I want you to chase after me. Now, honestly, I doubt I'm going to walk away. I've even been compared to being your "puppet" recently. I think I like you that much. I just need to know that I'm something that you want, not just something that's fun and convenient if i'm into it. And maybe if you don't want me as much as I deserve to be wanted, maybe... maybe you should tell me to go. Just end it, yeah?... Oh, geez. If you actually read this, I may or may not be slightly mortified. I'm kind of counting on the fact that no one reads my blog. And if you are reading this right now just know that I don't want you to act any different. If you don't feel that way, don't pretend you do. And please, please, PLEASE don't ever mention any of this to me. It's already taking a lot of courage to post this. But I figure at least this way I won't have to say it to your face, and there's a possibility that you won't even see this (i'm kinda hoping for that). If you try to bring this up to me in person, I swear, I'll pretend I have no idea what you're talking about. And please. Take my earlier advice, end it if you feel the need. Because I honestly doubt I will...

Sincerely, Nicki

OOH! P.S. Congrats on the job! :) I really am happy for you. I know how much you wanted it :)

Someday...

...I'll find someone to be like this with;;

Happy Valentine's Day... soon :)

Filtered Thoughts;;

     
Three different ways...

And one day I hope to hang out with you... Maybe go on a date? :)

Dick. Move. Bro.
Congratulations. I think that's what you wanted me to say, right?

Really. If you want to be in the friend zone. I'm sure I have a place for you there. But if not... Maybe you should do something about it. Like tell me. Because I'm not the type of girl to make the first move. So if you want me, man up and get me.

As sad, pathetic, stupid and maybe even crazy as it is... I still miss you like no one can guess... And I really want you here, so that I can just be with you.