For me, it might be not enough to just say "you choose where this thing is going." I need to know that you want to be with me. I don't want or need a sure-why-not? attitude. Really, the only thing I want is for you to fight for me. When I'm upset or angry at you, I want you to look me in the eyes and say, "I know you're mad, but I'm not giving up. I want to be with you, and I'm going to do my best to make you want to be with me." I don't want you to just watch me walk away if it comes to that. I want you to chase after me. Now, honestly, I doubt I'm going to walk away. I've even been compared to being your "puppet" recently. I think I like you that much. I just need to know that I'm something that you want, not just something that's fun and convenient if i'm into it. And maybe if you don't want me as much as I deserve to be wanted, maybe... maybe you should tell me to go. Just end it, yeah?... Oh, geez. If you actually read this, I may or may not be slightly mortified. I'm kind of counting on the fact that no one reads my blog. And if you are reading this right now just know that I don't want you to act any different. If you don't feel that way, don't pretend you do. And please, please, PLEASE don't ever mention any of this to me. It's already taking a lot of courage to post this. But I figure at least this way I won't have to say it to your face, and there's a possibility that you won't even see this (i'm kinda hoping for that). If you try to bring this up to me in person, I swear, I'll pretend I have no idea what you're talking about. And please. Take my earlier advice, end it if you feel the need. Because I honestly doubt I will...
Sincerely, Nicki
OOH! P.S. Congrats on the job! :) I really am happy for you. I know how much you wanted it :)
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