Sunday, July 29, 2012

How About Taking This Empty Cup & Filling it Up With a Little Bit More of Some Innocents

I miss the simplicity of childhood. How nothing was a big deal. How resilient you could be. How every little thing could amaze and entertain you. And how time never seemed to matter. You never worried about what tomorrow would bring.

Recently, I've lost something. It was the last, fragile string that was connecting me to childhood. And now that it's gone, I'm not really sure where to go from here. What happens now? What's the next step into adulthood? I know I'm over-analyzing... Like I always do. Did I do this wrong? Am I out of the regular order of things? I know that growing up is a part of life, but I don't think I'm ready... And I'm getting forced into a world that I'm still scared to death of.  Growing up is inevitable. We all have to do it.


I'm not saying I'm regretting things. I have very little regrets. I'm just not ready to be mature and take responsibility :P I like the familiar. I miss the old. Nostalgia. At times I find myself wishing I could go back a week, a month, a year, maybe a few years. To a time that made more sense. A time that WAS simple. A time when waking up early for Saturday morning cartoons was what I looked forward to all week.

 I guess growing up isn't necessarily what I'm scared of. It's just that darn change. And it's not that I want to stay young forever. I just want to go back to the places I went when I was young and see the same things. I want my children to play the same games at the same parks with the same toys. I know this is really weird, but I really did have a great childhood (not perfect, mind you, but good enough)... When things get hard, I find myself wanting to blink my eyes and go back there . Again, simplicity is all I want. The kind of simplicity that's only found in the innocents of a child's mind.

Monday, June 18, 2012

When You See My Friends Tell 'em Hi For Me

When I started going to Jr. High, I made a transition that most kids make. I found a whole bunch of new friends. Kind of lost touch with all my old friends. Then the same thing happened when I went into High school. And I always kinda thought that I'd do the same thing when I graduated and started going to college. But I got so close with them, that I didn't want to. But I guess sometimes it feels like a necessity.

Whenever I made this transition of friend groups it was because I thought I was doing the right thing. For me. Again, not because I don't love them. But people grow and interests change. Some friends started going down a road that I'm not only scared of, but don't want to go down. It may make me an awful person, but I'd rather have no friends than have a ton of friends that don't respect my standards. Not that my friends are disrespectful. I know this is probably really confusing. I'm not mad at ANY of my friends. Or trying to be rude or anything. Nor am I saying that I don't want to be friends with them anymore.


I'm just a little hurt. I chose the friends I did because I thought we had a lot in common. I thought we'd help each other stick up for what we believe in. Help each other reach goals in our lives. Help each other though rough times. Forever. Like we promised. But now it kind of seems like I'm the only one that cares about my future. I'm trying to get ready for college. I'm scared to death. It's hard to get motivation, and support, when all your friends don't care about things like school. And I don't feel like I can go to my friends, because we're not in this together like we always were.

I've slowly started learning that I'm not necessarily the best judge of character. These last few months I've started making that transition again. I thought I was being careful. I put thought into it. I was finding people who had my same standards. Goals. People I could relate to. But I found somethings out about my "new" friends, that I almost wish I never knew. I guess everyone goes though different things, and has a different way of dealing with it. But I've seen enough from my family. I've experienced enough through them. I'm done with that stuff, and I'll never go through that stage. My friends are supposed to be my refuge. Not the people that cause the same drama. This is just not what I had imagined would be happening at this point in my life. I never thought I'd feel this bad over something that's not even that big of a deal.

Okay. I apologize for my pity party just barley. I love my friends. I really do. It just sucks knowing that I can't do anything to keep things the same. The way they used to be. And this is just a warning to my friends: I may drop off the radar. I'll always be here if you need me. Doesn't matter the time. Always. Whenever. But I'm not going to be making an effort to stay close. I've gone my 50. You have to come yours. Love you all.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience... I will dispense this advice now: Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. Trust me, in 20 years you'll back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility laid before you, and how fabulous you really looked... you are NOT as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind... the race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember complements you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this... tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life; most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance The Funky Chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either... your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body; use it every way you can, don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance... Even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past, and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philanderer, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians where noble, and children respected their elders. Respect YOUR elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you'll have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful who's advise you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advise is a form of nostalgia, disposing is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, whipping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth. But, trust me, on the Sunscreen...

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I'm the King of Wishful Thinking

I wish I could just snap my fingers and feel differently. Forget things. Understand everything. Feel nothing. That'd be best. Not to feel. Not to care. Not to be stuck as a hopeless romantic.

Ha. No. Who am I kidding?

In the end I know I just want some guy to be really cheesy. A guy who loves me enough to talk to me. To kiss my face. To understand me enough to know that my actions and attitude are usually the opposite of what I'm feeling. And who's sensitive enough to care. Legitimately, genuinely care. About me- the real me. Someone that I don't have to pretend for...

Haha again, who am I kidding? This is real life. Not a fairy tale.

I guess if I keep a grip on reality, it's okay to dream... And wish... And hope for the best.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Like Horses in the City...

I used to think that insecurity was the worst feeling ever. I was wrong. Would you like to know the REAL worst feeling ever?? It's when you feel unwanted. Invisible. Like you don't matter. Like you don't belong. I don't know what it is, I just feel out of place. Even when I just had a (comparably) good day with everyone that SHOULD matter. Meaning my family. But, I'm never going to fit in, huh? I'm never going to be good enough or rebellious enough. I'm always going to be the odd one out. The one with all the issues. The one that constantly gets passed up. I don't even understand why. Why is it so hard to be happy? You wouldn't think you need a whole lot. You wouldn't think that it'd be too hard. But it is...


I want to. How great would it be to just start over? Go where no one knows your name or your story. Some place where you can be whoever you want. But I somehow know that that won't solve any problems... It's just running away temporally. I think I just need to know that I matter. That I'm someone to somebody. That I'm not just a waste of air. I'll eventually find my place. I think I just need to stop being a dramatic girl for one! Then I need to learn to be a little more patient. It'll come... It will... It will. 

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Koney 2012

Say what you want about this being stupid, or pointless, or whatever it is you haters say... It's still an amazing cause. And I don't see the harm in spreading the word. I'm not saying that we (America) need to start a war. But I also don't see what's wrong with helping if we can. We, as a country, are so much more fortunate that most other people. It doesn't hurt to make everyone understand that we don't live in a perfet world. That's okay though, because we can try to fix that. No, the world's never going to be perfect. But that doesn't mean we should stop trying to make it that way.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Dear Girls,

After the rehearsal I had this morning with the girls I help teach, I had some thoughts that I wanted to put out there:

1. You girls are not only amazing at what you do (guard), but each and every one of you are incredible people. The best people that I know. I can honestly say that you ladies keep me sane, and are my reason to get up every morning. If I didn't have you , I don't know what I'd do!

2. Remember... Pick up the phone and call me! Day OR night!

3. Thank you for letting me be a part of the family. Thank you for giving me a place to belong. I'll love you all forever because we ARE a family :)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Hello All Ye Faithful Readers

Hi :) There's really no point to this post. So if you don't continue to read, I'll understand! I was just bored and though I'd blog... Why not?! :) Here are some things that are going on:

* Color guard is, as always, amazing. We are mid competition season, and I'm already sad that it's ending soon :( As stressed out as guard can make me, I wouldn't give up for anything. Both the group that I spin on and the group I help teach are doing amazing! :) I just spent an hour watching our shows. Progress. Progress.

* There's a boy, I don't know, I think I kinda like him... Kinda. I think. Maybe?

* I don't really like my job. I guess I just need to suck it up though. A lot of people keep telling me that I'm going to hate every job I have. But I don't know about that one. There are people out there who love their job. So, why can't I be one of those people??

* Wanna know the hardest decision ever?! When you FINALLY get down-time and you can't decide if you want to use it to relax, or to actually do something productive... It's hard... Except, I just did it! :)

* I'm going to write a letter!! :) I miss him...

* I still feel like I'm not going anywhere in my life. Fail! I think I'm just not good at being patient. I guess I should learn.

Okay, den. I'm gonna end this fabulous post with this thought:

Monday, February 27, 2012

You Can Break Everything I am, Like I'm Made of Glass

I don't really know who I am or why some things upset me. I'm not even sure if things really do upset me, or if I just have nothing else to think about. But I really do feel fragile lately. The smallest things can make me want to burst into tears. The smallest comment can make me wonder if I'm worth it. I'm not trying to get pity, or wanting everyone to tell me how wonderful I really am. All I'm trying to put out there is that life is hard enough without having to deal with rude people. It makes it really hard to go on with everyday life when you're constantly being hit with the negligent actions of others. Careless words and hurtful remarks. It's like my happiness depends on how other's treat me. I feel like every time I have a good day, the next day is doubly bad. It's like my bad luck piles up until it drops on me all at once. I can't have a good day without waiting for the other shoe to drop.


I'm really so over letting other's affect me. But I don't know how to not let it get to me. I know that I need to have control over my own life, I just can't when I'm so insecure. That's why I'm so crazy all the time. I just pretend I'm okay with getting teased all the time, getting hurt. When really I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't like to tell others that because I don't want them to know that they have that kind of power over me. Again, not looking for pity, just sayin'. I try to be a good person and be nice to everyone. You know, you never know when your smile will brighten someones day, and all that? Reach out to others to help, you never know when they're going through a hard time. It's just hard to be nice and reach out, when other's don't return the favor. When no one reaches out to you. Moral of the story: Life throws nasty curve balls, and it sucks. And, honestly, I don't really like it. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

Mayday Parade!!!


I know I'm probably one of the moodiest people ever, but honestly... I'm the happiest girl in the world right now! Mayday Parade is my all time favorite band and I just got back from their show!!! :) :) :) Can you see the excitement?! First, I almost died because I was feeling claustrophobic. Weird, beings I thought I got over that phobia of mine. Then, I wanted to punch someone because some people are really dumb and don't know show/mosh rules. (and yes there ARE rules). Then finally, Mayday came on and made my day amazing with their beautiful music :) And now I'm so beyond happy it's ridiculous! They had the most brilliant set EVER! Gah! I just want to scream at how happy I am!!! At this moment it sounds like I'm under water and my ears are ringing slightly, I'm a tig bit dizzy, my calf muscles are shaking from standing on my toes, and I probably won't have a voice tomorrow. But I'll tell you this... It was worth it. A million times over! :)

P.S. Jordyn is the BEST :)  

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

You Don't Know You're Beautiful


I'm sorry that I'm not blonde. I'm sorry that I don't weigh 90 pounds. I'm sorry that you can't see my rib bones. And I'm sorry that I don't have blue or green eyes... 

I have brown hair and brown eyes. I'm of average height and I don't really think that I can pull off a bikini. And the one thing I can honestly say I like about myself is my darker skin tone. 

To some people that's not ideal. That's not beautiful, not perfect. To some people that's ugly. That's your
opinion.

 I may not stop traffic, turn heads, or cause jaws to drop. But I think everyone is beautiful in their own way.

So if to you I'm ugly, So? In someone else's opinion I'm gorgeous. 

Friday, February 17, 2012

Giving Up- Letting Go

You know what I've learned?? You can't please everyone. You can't even please half of the people you know. And you just have to deal with that. Sure , it sucks. But I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not- someone that you might like more. Someone that knows how to "play the game". Pretending to be someone that doesn't care, when I really do. I'm not. I don't have enough experience with this kind of thing. I can't hide my feelings and emotions so easy. I want to regret everything, but I know I shouldn't. I'm learning. I know that, even though knowing that doesn't make this any easier. I just hate feeling stupid. And I'm done with it.


I did know. And that just makes me feel even worse... 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Happy Love Day

"All these days have turned these months into a year..."
And now i'm not sure what I want anymore... Or how I feel.

I going to be honest. I have no idea what love is. I don't think I ever have. I doubt I ever will...
I have family. I have friends. One day I'll have a puppy. That's my love.

But I did have a good Valentine's Day :)



I don't know when, if, or with who I'll fall in love someday. But I'm okay with that.
Like I said. Friends, family, and a puppy and I'll be happy :)

Saturday, February 11, 2012

S.A.V.E

So my colorguard show this winter is about helping people. Suicide Awareness Voices of Education. It's about reaching out to others who are going through a hard time. It's about recognizing the signs of depression. About knowing there's hope, and life can be tough, but it's really a beautiful thing. About knowing what you can do to help loved ones know that it gets better.

For more information, visit save.org


Thursday, February 9, 2012

I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect...


"Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me,
now seem so far away,
 and it feels like you don't care anymore.
And now I try hard to make it,
I just want to make you proud.
I'm never gonna be good enough for you.
I can't stand another fight.
And nothing's all right...

...Please don't turn your back.
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you,
but you don't understand."

Remember when Simple Plan was the coolest... In like the 6th grade?! Haha I do! :)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Dancing is like Dreaming with Your Feet

One of the things I want the most... Is to learn Pointe; and to learn it good :)


"There are short cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them."
-Vicki Baum

Monday, February 6, 2012

I Want You To Want Me

Dear Boy,

For me, it might be not enough to just say "you choose where this thing is going." I need to know that you want to be with me. I don't want or need a sure-why-not? attitude. Really, the only thing I want is for you to fight for me. When I'm upset or angry at you, I want you to look me in the eyes and say, "I know you're mad, but I'm not giving up. I want to be with you, and I'm going to do my best to make you want to be with me." I don't want you to just watch me walk away if it comes to that. I want you to chase after me. Now, honestly, I doubt I'm going to walk away. I've even been compared to being your "puppet" recently. I think I like you that much. I just need to know that I'm something that you want, not just something that's fun and convenient if i'm into it. And maybe if you don't want me as much as I deserve to be wanted, maybe... maybe you should tell me to go. Just end it, yeah?... Oh, geez. If you actually read this, I may or may not be slightly mortified. I'm kind of counting on the fact that no one reads my blog. And if you are reading this right now just know that I don't want you to act any different. If you don't feel that way, don't pretend you do. And please, please, PLEASE don't ever mention any of this to me. It's already taking a lot of courage to post this. But I figure at least this way I won't have to say it to your face, and there's a possibility that you won't even see this (i'm kinda hoping for that). If you try to bring this up to me in person, I swear, I'll pretend I have no idea what you're talking about. And please. Take my earlier advice, end it if you feel the need. Because I honestly doubt I will...

Sincerely, Nicki


OOH! P.S. Congrats on the job! :) I really am happy for you. I know how much you wanted it :)

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Someday...

...I'll find someone to be like this with;;







Happy Valentine's Day... soon :)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Filtered Thoughts;;




     
Three different ways...


And one day I hope to hang out with you... Maybe go on a date? :)


Dick. Move. Bro.
Congratulations. I think that's what you wanted me to say, right?

Really. If you want to be in the friend zone. I'm sure I have a place for you there. But if not... Maybe you should do something about it. Like tell me. Because I'm not the type of girl to make the first move. So if you want me, man up and get me.


As sad, pathetic, stupid and maybe even crazy as it is... I still miss you like no one can guess... And I really want you here, so that I can just be with you.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

"Whatever Happened to Chivalry?

Does it only exist in 80's movies?

-I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window.
-I want to ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey.
-I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me.
-I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist in the air because he know's he got me.

Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie
Preferably one with a really awesome musical number. . .
For no apparent reason."

Okay. In all honesty... It doesn't have to be an 80's movie. ANY movie will do. Movies are perfect. You know? The boy gets the girl, the girl gets her happy ending. All the problems and pain weren't for nothing. Everything works out in the end. Yeah- I want my life to be like a movie. Ha. Who doesn't?

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Life Is a Maze

This song is my life. Not my life story- just my life at the moment. 


I'm just a little bit caught in the middle.
Life is a Maze and love is a riddle.
I don't know where to go. I can't do it alone- I've tried.
And I don't know why.

Slow it down. Make it stop.
Or else my heart is going to pop.
'Cause it's too much- yeah, it's a lot.
To be something I'm not.

I'm a fool, out of love.
'Cause I just can't get enough. 

[Chorus]
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle.
Life is a Maze and love is a riddle.
I don't know where to go can't do it alone- I've tried.
And I don't know why.
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment.
I'm so scared, but I don't show it.
I can't figure it out.
It's bringing me down- I know.
I've got to let it go.
And just enjoy the show. 

The sun is hot. In the sky. 
Just like a giant spotlight.
The people follow the sign, and synchronize in time.
It's a joke.
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show.
Yeah.

[chorus 2x]

Just enjoy the show.
dum de dum dudum de dum
Just enjoy the show.
dum de dum dudum de dum
Just enjoy the show.

I want my money back. 
I want my money back.
I want my money back.
Just enjoy the show.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

How 'Bout Unabashedly Bawling Your Eyes out?

So, I'm not a fan of crying. I look quite hideous when I do and I feel like my face is inside-out. Sure, I cry often. Sad movies, when I'm really happy, laugh really hard, or when my heart gets touched by something or someone. Ha, Hallmark commercials.  But these are teary-eyed, one single tear that I catch before it even leaves my eyelashes. Very rarely will I cry to a point where I can't talk. But I did that today... Haha Yup. I guess I am just a little emotionally unstable, but I can't really help it. I try, but it doesn't work. I don't remember the last time I was so full of emotion that I let go like that.

Trust me, if I could, I'd never cry- I'd always be happy.

I don't know how others are when they need to cry, but I prefer to do it alone. Somewhere people can't see me a total mess, see me unhappy, or get freaked out by how emotional I can actually get. But it really does feel great to have that shoulder to cry on. Especially when it's someone you'd thought you'd lost. It kinda gives you hope. Like, maybe, just maybe, things could go back to normal, and you won't have to adjust to a dramatic change. Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought. Thank you. I needed that.


I just need to learn to not keep things bottled up. Maybe I'm stronger than I thought. Hmmm... That's good to know :)

Saturday, January 7, 2012

It's Still a New Year... Right??

I just want to say (on my first blog post this year) I'm sorry. If I ever did anything to upset or hurt you in any way, shape, or form, I sincerely apologize. Yup. I did some stupid things this year (mostly recently). I may have been rude- on purpose or unintentionally. I may have said horrible things. Or I may have just ignored you. Again if I did: I'm sorry... I know that I normally hate that word, and some of you that know me are thinking that I'm real hypocritical right now. But guess what?? I don't really care. Yeah, I may not want to start this year with conflict, but if you've already got a problem with that/me you don't have to be part of my life this year :) and I'm okay with that.

I'm going to be happy this year if it kills me. No more drama. No more being stupid. I'm going to start telling people what's up. Yes, that will probably make me 70 times more awkward. Haha Oh, well. If you like me you'll still be my friend anyways.

That's all. K, thanks. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :)